| Letter to my other half. |
[16 Dec 2009|02:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed, tired, lonly |
] |
You've only been gone for 5 hours, and yet... the hours drag on. Hours that will soon turn to days, months... and eventually years. I do not know how I am going to push through this, but deep down I know I will. It seems virtually impossible right now. I feel empty, like half of me is gone. I don't know how I can do this without you. You're my support, my rock. The pain I feel from having you taken from me is more intense then anything i've ever felt before. I've been left in the past, but those were just breakups, easily move on. I can't with this. My life is on hold.
I have to be strong for Braeden. He needs me now more than ever. I promise you I will take good care of him. I told my mom in the car, "I can do it. This family breeds strong women." There was the humor in it to help me laugh, but it is true. I never believed it before, but it's true.
Everything in this house, in our room reminds me of you. I walk into the kitchen and I see you standing there cooking. I walk into the bedroom and I see you sitting on the bed, angry about how your shot missed and the other player got the kill. I see you in our child. I know the days will get easier once I settle into a routine again, but the pain will never go away. The pain I felt seeing you walk out that door, the tears in your eyes. I will never forget that for the rest of my life. The bed is going to feel so big and lonly (and quiet, haha).
Every little fight that we have had, has gone out the window. Anything you ever did before to upset me, has dissappeard. Having you taken from me has shown me how much I love you and you mean to me. The saying, "You don't know what you've got untill it's gone" is completely true. Though, I do know what I have it still hits me An amazing man who is loving, caring and loyal who loves me for me. I hope....pray, that you come home safe and quick. We need you.
The day you come back to me will be the happiest day of my life. I will feel whole again.
Kristin
|
|
| After this it will probably be another 32 weeks..... |
[09 Sep 2008|05:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Fox News on the TV |
] |
32 weeks since my last entry, according to the tracker that this site has. Damn thats a long time. I've been writing in a journal, and i've noticed reading the entries... I only write about the damn depressing shit. I guess its my way of getting it out without having people join me in my sorrows. What about the happy stuff? I DO have happy things happen to me... not as much as a the sucky stuff but still happy stuff.
Since my last entry A LOT of things have happened. Austin and I got together and so far we've done really well. Least I think so. It'll be 6 months on the 28th of this month. half a year. Andrea and mine's roomate relationship went to shit, and I currently live in Normandy Park with Austin. We're still trying to get used to some things about living together, but we've been used to it. Before we went into this lease, I was living with him at his house.. then at his mom's for 2 months once everything went to shit with Andrea.
Speaking of that... here's what happened...
Ok, so I introduced her to my friend David.. Thinking, hey they would get a long... she thinks hes cute.. what could it hurt. So i brought her to a party, and sure enough they hit it off. Started hanging out... and dating... then within WEEKS... yes WEEKS.. he basically moved in for free, didn't pay rent but was able to use our electricty/water and living space. The start of the downhill sprial started when she texted me one day and said "by the way... David has a key". I FLIPPED. Not only did she NOT talk to me about this, she just assumed it was ok. Which... NO it wasn't. I got pissed and an argument happened, that well.. obviously I lost.. kinda just gave up. Then a few months later we were at work and I go up to her and say, "So when we sign the next 6 months are we adding David to the lease?" se responded with "yeah, dont see why not.. he got a raise at work." ok, so then I say, "So we're going to split it three ways right?" She told me that no, they were going to split her rent because they shared her bedroom and my rent would stay the same..... BULLSHIT. So that was the end right now, I moved out.. and now live with Austin. MUCH HAPPIER.
Work sucks. but when does it not, right? haha. It's gotten so bad that I go home with migranes everytime I work... some so bad I can't sleep at night. So im currently in the process of looking for a new job, which isnt going well. Adding to the stress level of myself.
OH! and I got pulled over the other night, right in the parking lot of my apartments... it sucked soooooooo bad. I hate Normandy Park police. They can lick my ass.
=)
|
|
| Wow. |
[27 Jan 2008|11:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 FUCK |
] |
So I was sitting here on this computer thinking, and decided to check out my livejournal. I haven't updated here in 32 weeks according to the tracking thing on here. I keep forgetting about it.... DAMN YOU MYSPACE. Haha.
So yeah, i'm on a steep downward sprial into emotional disater. Lovely huh, I know. I'm so emotionally fucked up right now, that i'm suprised I even smile. I just had one of the roughest weekends that I can remember, and I thank god it is over.
I'm pretty sure I'm giving up on him. Although I am scared to. I'm scared that once I make the final descision to just forget about him and try to move on, he will want to start something. Do I really see that happening? Probably not... but you never know. We don't talk much anymore, which sucks. I'm so fucking lonley. Ever since i've started staying here I haven't seen much of him, and he really isn't making much of an effort to see me, or want to see me that I know of. Maybe I should take that as a hint. I texted him at like, 5 o'clock today.... and nothing back.
I'm a god damn train wreck. I can't stop crying, cried so much today at work. My stress level is way off the charts. I don't even want to go in anymore... specially now that my hopes that I had up pretty high for a promotion are practically gone. My manager was talking to me about getting another management position approved which would be for me.... which means more money to help pay for my apartment (by the way... i moved out of my parents house.... yup) and other bills. So i was talking to her today, and she told me the DM said no to the position... but decided to think about it, and will get back to us on Monday. Which is tomorrow. But i have a strong feeling it's going to be a no. Which fucking sucks.
Man. Fuck life.
|
|
| Failure. |
[12 Jun 2007|12:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
I'm trying. But everytime I see your smile, I fail.
I'd give anything to be able to have you smile at me the same way I smile at you.
I'm trying. But everytime I look into your eyes, I fail.
How I long to have those eyes look at me, the same way I look at them.
I'm trying. But eerytime I touch you, I fail.
I hope one day to be able to feel from you in your touch, everything I feel for you.
....Small poem. Dunno if I like it. Just getting feelings out. It's just so hard to handle everything i'm going through... everything i've been throuh.....
Hopefully the pain will be over soon.
|
|
| Why? |
[06 Jun 2007|01:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
Why do I do this to myself?
Twice now i've done this.
I told myself I wouldn't allow it to happen.
But it happened.
And now i'm in tears.
Twice I've done this to myself.
When will I learn?
I was happy.
Then opened my big mouth...
I really.... truly wish...
that someday I would learn.
|
|
| Blargh. |
[22 May 2007|11:03am] |
She ditches me for her boyfriend.
Great.
Thanks.
|
|
| Depression? Or just a downward spiral on the Rollercoaster of Life. |
[11 May 2007|10:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Down |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
None |
] |
God... i've just been so down these past few days.
Work isn't fun anymore, the people I work with make me laugh... but then I leave the room and i'm not laughing anymore... though today there was this one kid... his name was Nolan. He was about 2 years old I think, and just completely had a ball with me. Cutest little kid, would laugh at every goofy thing I did. I even "fell" to the floor and the kid laughed so hard. During the sitting I would spin in circles behind the camera, and he would have this huge smile... It's sitting's like that that make me love what I do.....
Though sometime, I just get the feeling no one wants to be around me.
The guy in my last post started talking to me again, completely apologizing for treating me like dirt and telling me he owes me a dinner... or a sunset on the beach, completely warming my heart and melting all the ice that had built up around it from what he did. We spent one whole evening just talking, and having fun.... but it's kinda back now to where it was, he hardly talks to me....
Are there any guys out there who will steal my heart but not break it? Do they live on some far away planet, never to be found except by the lucky ones? If so, I must not be a lucky one.
Then I started hanging out with Kacee again and her friends, which I was totally happy about. I had cool people to hang out with.... but now I just feel like they don't want to come around except Kacee, because I'm there... or I'm on my way. I mean, I don't know. Kacee says it's not that, but I can't help but get that feeling, yah know? Who knows.
Ontop of all of that, I get into an "accident" today.... here is the story. Kinda funny actually. Okay.... so, I was going down Des Moines Memorial Dr. and turned onto... I think it's 196th. I'm following behind a police car, who must of answered a call from other ones, because when I turned onto the road I could see two other cars on the side of the road.... So, I'm crusin a lng behind this guy the first of the two other cops cars passes me, then the second passes and stops next to me. The popo infront of me stops and all of a sudden starts to back up, and when cop cars back up... they show no mercy and go fast.... so I had no idea what to do, and this friggin cop car just bashes right into the front of my car.
...... not only was he an idiot and not look behind him, he hit me infront of TWO other police officers.
Not everyone can say they got hit by a dumbass police officer.
I went to Sears today, in serch of new work pants, not finding any work pants I check out the shirts. I found some really cute shirts and went to try them on.... all three of them looked like crap on me, made me feel fat. Really put me in a down mood.
|
|
|
[16 Apr 2007|09:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angry |
] |
Oh, and ontop of the last entry that I poseted. Found out a whole lot more shit that really just added on. Im pretty sure I was just someone in line to get fucked. Found out that he's lied to me a lot.....
Yeah, what a fucking "great guy". Not.
Jackass.
|
|
| Long time. |
[14 Apr 2007|10:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
So it's been quite a long time since I've written in here. So much has been happening, I just totally forgot about it and along with my password.
So i'm pretty not okay right now. Lonley. Sad. I guess that's how I can describe it.
I was happy and up for a while, but last night that all came crashing down around me and now all I want to do is curl up in a ball an cry. I don't even want to go to work today, on top of having a sore throat.
I just don't understand why someone would choose partying. Rather a big heart breaker.
..... sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me.....
who knows.
|
|
| Happy Bithday. |
[13 Jan 2007|10:34pm] |
Happy Birthday to Kelly Robert Dennis.
You'd be 18 today. I miss you little brother. I love you forever.
Hope you had a great one!
|
|
|
[08 Nov 2006|12:14am] |
|
So yeah... my birthday was.... 5 days ago. I turned 19! yay!
|
|
| Long long time ago.... |
[17 Oct 2006|09:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The humming in my head. |
] |
So, I kinda rarely write in here anymore.... mainly because, i'm either....
A. Never Home
B. On Myspace
C. Have nothing to write..
I don't know, like... things happen in my life, but nothin really that I want to write about. Things have been tough... then easy, then back to tough. Oh! I got a job, but I think you guys established that with the last post. I am now a professional photographer at the Picture People in the southcenter mall. I get to do two things I love... work with kids and take pictures. Though, it's a lot harder than I thought. I took two sittings yesterday, and I just blanked on the poses that I could do. But my pictures are turning out good. My managers were really impressed that I did a Star Serch (it's where I go out and get people to come in to take pictures, and they get a free 10x13), and the people bought like... $190 worth of stuff.
I also got a car. I bought a 1999 Chevy Cavalier with only 68,000 miles on it. Thats damn near rare for a 1999. It's kinda a ugly green, but it's grown on me. I take my drive test next tuesday, so I better get reading up on that driver's guied again.
My realtionship is goin good, we've had a lot of ups and downs but we're bound to have them... and they always get worked out. He's always gone with school to, so I miss him alot... and now that I have a job i'm workin a lot. But we still get to see eachother. We went to the Kube 93 haunted house and I got scared hella bad. There is this fucking clown at the end with a chainsaw and he runs after you. I hate clowns, and one with a chainsaw is even worse!!
I really miss my friends and highschool. I miss all the ones I really grew close too over my Senior year like Kacee and Jeffrey and Ritter. I duno, I just feel really lonly over here kinda. I'm tryin to get into Central next fall, and I talked to Ms. Pierson about it and she said she'd help me, so I'm stoked about that. What sucks is, I barely hear from any of them. Jeffrey says we'll hang out when he visits, but then he never calls.... so I duno.... I just miss them.
I don't want to leave this entry with a bad thought so.....
I made cupcakes today!! They were yummy!
|
|
| YaY! |
[26 Sep 2006|06:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
I have a job!! Now I won't get kicked out. I'm so excited!!
|
|
|
[25 Aug 2006|04:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
So this week has been interesting...
Tuesday was the worst.
Me and Kevin went to a BMX track after work on tuesday, and I was just going to go to watch him because he used to BMX... but seein him go around kinda made me wanna do it, so I went around the first time and everything was cool. Then i tried it a second time, and goin around the second turn I got more speed than I wanted too and hit one of the smaller jumps and got massive air. I landed on my front tire, you're sposed to land on your back tire, and I flipped completely fucking up the front rim. I flew about.. 5 ft through the air before landing hard on my tailbone and back, then rolled another 4-5ft before coming to a stop. I layed there, in shock and with the pain hitting I almost started crying but I held it back. Kevin rushed over and he waited with me and then helped me get myself and the bike off the track. My tailbone hurt so bad, I just stood there and kinda stared into space with kevin trying to get my attention, then I just remember it going black. Kevin says I just fell over and was out for a good minute. They called 9-1-1 and i got taken to Valley Medical Center for x-rays and stuff....
Nothin was broken, I just bruised my tailbone really bad and pulled some muscles in my neck. It's been a bitch trying to get around, but i'm mannaging. My bike is totaled, I gotta get new rims.... which will run me about $70.00, and I have to pay the ambulance bill which will run around... $500.00. I'm just very lucky that I was able to kinda walk away from it... I was VERY lucky I didn't hit my head because I wasn't wearing a helmet. If i would of hit it, I probably would still be in the hospitle... or worse.
|
|
|
[20 Aug 2006|02:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
Boo yah! This weekend was a lot of fun.
I got to meet Sir MixAlot... which was friggin awesome!
Oh and by the way... do NOT go see 'World Trade Center' it sucked bad... the worst movie i've seen in a long time. Kinda sad that Nicholas Cage did a shitty ass job in it cause he's a great actor. But it was boring... long... and cheesey as hell. Big time waist of $9.50
|
|
|
[24 Jul 2006|06:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
Shit has been happening left and right. I don't know how im still standing. It's all so stressful.
First I break up with Bradley, and that turned out a lot harder than I thought. That's causing me a lot of stress right now, because it turned into a violent rollerocaster ride with really steep drops. I hate it.
Besides that, work has been hell and im starting to not be able to take the kids. I don't know if it's the heat, cause it's been like... 90+ for the past...well, a while now. So that ontop of the kids being jerks, i'm just stressed out beyond a lot.
Then... oh this is the best part of it all. I found out that my dog Boomer, may have a certian type of cancer. That really hit me hard because I really love that dog and the thought of loosing him just tares me up. We're not 100% sure if it's really cancer or something else, but if it is cancer then he has bout a year left of his life. Which is really hard. He's such an awesome dog, and really made my step-dad happy. Those two were the best of buddies. Were ever bruce went... there was boomer. Man ... this will be so frigging hard to take.
So thats about it really... i kind of told you the icing of it all, because i don't really feel like typing forever. It's a whole lot... now i'm off to take out my feelings in some poetry writing... i might post some later... not sure.
|
|
| so bored |
[06 Jul 2006|04:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
1. My ex is..... long gone
2. I am listening to..... the fan blowing in my room
3. Maybe I should...... go to bed early tonight!!
4. I love...... being in bradley's arms
5. My best friend..... is the one person i can tell anything too
6. I don't understand......why i'm so tired.
7. I lose.... a lot of things, mainly important things
8. People say..... that i'm pretty, when i don't think i am
9. The meaning of my screen name is... a nickname that DJ once gave me, havent felt like getting an new one
10. Love is..... a rollercoaster
11. Somewhere, someone is..... thinking about me
12. I will always..... be short!
13. Forever seems..... well, like a damn long time
14. I never want to..... have my heart broken again.
15. My mobile phone is...... pretty nifty
16. When I wake up in the morning..... i go pee
18. Parties are..... interesting
19. My fish are..... dead
20. Kisses are the worst when..... nothing
21. Today I..... went to work
22. Tonight I will..... sleep
23. Tomorrow I will.... go to work
24. I really want..... to be with bradley right now
|
|
| YAY!!! |
[03 Jul 2006|12:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crazy |
] |
Finally... i'm home!
|
|
|
[28 Jun 2006|08:52am] |
|
Im off to california today!
|
|
|
[14 Jun 2006|08:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
So tomorrow is my last day of highschool........
I think i will cry.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sillyoaties's journal